At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
