Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
