My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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