My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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