My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
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Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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