I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
