im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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