I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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