in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
