Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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