I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
