I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
