Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
