You just made me feel so damn special
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
