Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
