You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
