I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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