I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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