You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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