We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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