I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
