This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
