i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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