Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
