i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
