Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
