Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
