I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
