1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
