Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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