Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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