omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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