I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
