so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
