i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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