when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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