So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
