he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I supernannyed him into submission
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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