My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
