Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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