So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
