he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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