Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
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last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
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I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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