I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
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My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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