Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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