I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
