Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
