At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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