god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
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Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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