i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
