Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
