Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
