I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
