Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
