At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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