She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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