I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
