they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
