either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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