i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
