After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
