My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
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I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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