if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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